Archive | October 2012

Be the right person, to find the right person…

Looking for what you do not have in a partner influences the search of a partner. Not willing to work on yourself, to develop, nurture and create yourself but then waiting for a beautiful lady, handsome guy with a nice car and amazing apartment but you aint ready to “do the hardwork” to have your own car/ apartment?.
Whatever standards or criteria you have set for your “to-be” partner, be certain you have similar standards. Of recent, like attracts like…aiming high for the BEST guy/girl simply means you should be somewhere around BEST. If you’re NOT somewhere around your “definition” of your “to-be” guy/gurl, and you end up with one while you’re still beneath or nowhere close,boy! be sure to get choked! Because in the long run, misunderstandings, conflict in values and arguments WILL arise.
A few eye-openers:
» Self-definition(who are you?): this is a question to be answered by everyone. Define yourself, ask others like your mother and close friends what they see in you. Accept your weaknesses and embrace your strengths. Find more about yourself by relating with positive people; invest and read life changing books. Learn to accept your uniqueness.

»Brand yourself: self-packing is a determinant of attracting the right person. The price tag you put on yourself decides your worth. You have to be confident in yourself, dress well but don’t exaggerate. Body grooming is a part of branding. The use of deodarant isn’t a sin. Smell good and look tidy. The way you dress is the way you will be addressed, beyond dressing there is another area you should also focus on like having an educational qualification which attracts people to you.-aspire to know more, learn more and move beyond where others stopped.

»Brush up on your communication skills: Communication is vital: Yes, not everyone is eloquent, but learning new words and relating with people can help you organizing your words and sentences well. Fortunately, some telecommunication companies like MTN have made such things as learning a new word a day, get more information on that to improve your vocabulary. Don’t vex when people try to correct your wrong sentences, it will help you later.
Many of us want so much from our “to-be” partners, but are we willing to do those things you want to see in them?

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Coping with the Final year syndrome…

Final year!!!….the excitement attached also comes with a lot of stress which sometimes makes those in that level tensed up and fearful.
It is overwhelming. No doubt. Some of the experiences at that particular point in one’s life could be:
~Fear of the unknown: some thoughts cone rushing into one’s mind and then you start doubting if you’re ever going to finish well or you might have an extra year.

~workload increases: lecturers begin to bombard you with assignments coupled with the “giant”-project. And you begin to wonder how you will ever going to manage.

~defense mechanisms: some people begin to relieve themselves of stress by focusing more on their appearance(looks, makeup, dress sense) rather than on the most important thing at that point. And some others just begin to look scruffy(rough), while some others just add weight during this period. All these are defense mechanisms are negative ways to coping with stress.
Know that you can balance it up.

~confusion: so many people will experience this. The confusion just comes from nowhere, you are not sure how to read, do your project or even get materials.

~the “I too know” people: you would encounter these category of people who will try to make you feel you are too slow or you are behind schedule in your project. Try to not to pay attention to them because they make you develop fear and anxiety.

So how then can you cope with this saga?
One thing you need to continually put in mind is that “project” is NOT your life. It’s just phase in your life.

»Create a realistic timetable for your own self not for you and your friend(s) or a group; but a personal time table.

»Priotize your work: learn to allocate time for everything you want to do and do them according to their level of importance. Also, learn to work smartly and not just hard. Hard-work is good but smart-work is much more better.

» Learn to achieve something each day. Don’t go a day without achieving something tangible either in the area of reading, assignments or project. To achieve something you need motivation. Self-motivation is vital because you hardly see anyone who would encourage you except prayers from your parents and a few peers.

»Ask for help when you need it. Try not to act like a “know-it-all” and don’t act like a “know-nothing at all” because others have their own problems too so don’t try to frustrate them with yours. But get the necessary information you need by asking the right questions.

» Never use other people’s “time” to operate: don’t try to immitate your friends or mates because some of them might be too slow while some of them might have achieved “something”. Don’t try to work with their own time. Simply, DO YOU!

» Get someone who knows about your “project” topic. This person could be a lecturer in another school, or your uncle who is well-grounded in your project area, or someone who works where you want to carry out your research. Don’t depend on your supervisor alone because sometimes they don’t know anything about your topic.

» listen to your supervisor: this is a very important one. Don’t act like you know more than them even if you sense they really don’t know much about your topic, that’s why you should have a Back-up supervisor who is outside your school(advicably). Relate well with your supervisor by respecting him or her.

Finally,
»Trust yourself, trust your abilities, don’t say you can’t do it. Move on with a positivite mentality and also get informed about what’s going on concerning your project, don’t act like a loner.
Never allow fear, because it slows one down.

I wish you great success in this final year. And a great result this final year too. You can make it!

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The Uprise of Low self esteem…

Many define self esteem as arrogance, selfishness but I agree with Gael Lindenfield’s definition which asserts that :it is a state of being.
In many communities even in Nigeria, People detest the tag of exhibiting a low self esteem…but the truth is many people have this dysfunction. It is not based on an intentional decision, many have developed a low self esteem even right from childhood unconsciously.
The issue at hand is that so many countries lack public education on the subject matter as well as support programs to assist people.

How do people develop a low self esteem?
A few sources of low self esteem is highlighted below;
~a family member who has drug or alcohol problem could hurt a child’s self esteem. A father with drug or alcohol problems will definitely exhibit it one way or the other either by maltreating.
~physical/verbal/sexual or neglection from a parent(such as critical parents, lack of care and affection from parents) could trigger a low self esteem.
~codependent relationships where your inputs are considered “never good enough”…when one is not appreciated.
~disastrous relationships with parents, peers or spouse.
~developmental disability( such as mental retardation, seizure) and chronic diseases such as HIV, STDs etc.
~personal failure such as poor academic performance, divorce, bankruptcy, dropping out of school.

Usually a low self esteem arises from childhood and keeps getting low even unto adulthood if not well addressed.
The negative behavioral consequences results from a ruptured self esteem which could result into a “chronic low self esteem”. A few of such negative consequences are:
~unresolved loss and grief: repressing and denying feelings or not reacting to emotional responses to death of a loved one, a lost relationships.
~self destructive habits such as excessive intake of alcohol, overindulgence in food and gambling.
~Problems with controlling: when an individual over controls people, events or circumstances, that could arise due to a ruptured self esteem.
~ Distorted anger: most times when people express extreme anger, that’s because they have a problem withtheir self-esteem. Anger is a healthy emotion but when distorted, it affects relationship with people.
~Faulty communication: inability to listen to others talk less of comprehending what they actually mean.

However, so many people repress previous unfavorable events which then leads to the development of one or more of the following personality traits which are considered “defense mechanism personalities”(trying to fake good either in a negative or positive way) They include:
~looking good
~pulling in
~acting out
~entertaining
~enabling
~troubled person
~people pleasing
~rescuing
~non-feeling

It is not uncommon to confuse  arrogance with a healthy self esteem. So many people we consider as having a healthy self esteem actually are arrogant. As a person with a healthy self esteem is actually comfortable to be around as they help others build a healthy self esteem as well.
How then can we build a healthy self-esteem?
In a developing country like Nigeria with various cultural beliefs, many people actually shy away from the thought of meeting with a counselor or therapist.
But there are certain self-help tips that one could employ..such is the the write up by “substance abuse and mental health services administration(SAMSHA)…copy and open the link below for self-help tips on developing a healthy self-esteem.

http://store.samhsa.gov/shin/content//SMA-3715/SMA-3715.pdf
For further reading, check out: Model Of self-esteem|LIVESTRONG.COM

I declare this day: A WORRY FREE DAY!

In recognition of the World’s mental health day!
Wow! Sigh! Before I go on, I would like to describe what mental health means…its simply your state of mind, the health status of your mind.
The mind has power! But when things go wrong, the mind loses its power.
Perhaps the title looks dead to you…well I understand that!
I declare this day a worry free day, and that’s in honor and recognition of the world’s mental health day!
Too many people are ruled by their mind instead of them ruling their own mind. Life hits us with so many challenges and unexplainable circumstances that leave us thinking, rethinking and sometimes breaking down!
We say, I can’t even hear my own voice, I’m tired of this,life is so cruel. How do I even get there, how am I going to make it, what is this all about? Those are rhetorical questions we keep asking. But its even worse when we do not get answers to these questions!
We all have differences which makes us perceive situations differently. Due to this mental composition of each human being it is usually observed that we tend to see things differently.

But why worry? Some things that make us worry have been summed up into two:
•fear of making mistakes- so many people want to be seen as perfect. But its okay if you’re not perfect. Its even better if you are not scared of making mistakes. Only a pretender and self-deceiver hasn’t made mistakes.

•Life-threatening events(Negative events)- some things happen to us and it feels like we are never going to come out of them. That’s a lie of the devil. You can come out of any painful event so far you BELIEVE you can. Believing will take you a step further into finding your sense of peace.

I can say you can relate this short piece to any area of your life: relationship, marriage, ministry, academics, business and life generally.
So today, for a change from the normal routine of ruminating and rethinking previous negative events, I urge you to take a break to breath. Do something positive, make yourself happy, and do the same every other day
I declare this day A WORRY-REE DAY!
Be Free loved ones!

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